Monday, January 9, 2012
A Moment of Clarity
I really have fallen in love with blogging. I started this blog because I love to write and wanted to keep memories of my family I may forget one day. For the most part I share everything here, there may be a few personal details that are not here, but overall anything going on in our lives I write about. This is one of the few places I feel like I can be myself and I think that is why I love blogging so much.
It got me to thinking that there are so many times I feel like I can't be myself or I try to put on the people pleasing persona I think people want to see because I'm scared what people will think if I am just myself. I am scared to be judged and vulnerable, so instead I just only let people see the parts of me I want them to see.
This has been something I have struggled with my whole life. I am generally quiet when you first meet me, some people take this as being rude or uninterested, but really I am just shy and it takes me a while to warm. Once I do I won't stop talking though, so if you ever meet me just give me a little time I do really want to know you it just takes me a while to open up to people.
Being afraid of what other people think of me is something that holds me back and that is why one of my resolutions is to try and stop worrying about it. Before I make decisions I wonder how other people will judge me for them or what they will think. Why I do this I'm not sure I feel when I was younger I didn't worry as much what people thought. Many times when I was younger people would give me strange looks for my hair color, piercings, or clothes. For the most part it didn't bother me I knew the choices I made would get me some strange looks in my neighborhood, but I think in some ways it did affect me because I don't want people to judge me or what kind of parent based on how I look so now I just blend in. I know people who would judge me for these things I don't want in my life anyways, but for some reason I worry anyways.
This year I've decided to do things that will make me happy. There will always be people who are going to judge me for my house, clothes, how I raise my kids, or anything else I do but people who I want in my life will want to get to know me as a person regardless.
Sadly, I think part of the reason I wanted to move is because I worry about what other people think when they see our tiny house, of course more room would be nice but I hate when people ask how we do it here with three kids.
I know it won't be easy to not care about what others think, but in the long run it will make me a happier person. In my moment of clarity (it's funny how listening to music can do that to you) I remembered the things that were important to me: family and being happy, not just in the sense of feeling happy which would be good too, but also being content with who I am and what I have.