Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Miss you Dad

So, I started this on August 17th (my dad's birthday) and had a hard time going back and finishing it. I think it will end up being more then one post because there is so much I could say, but here's the first.

    We're on our way to the airport (this is when we were going to Vegas), so I've have a little time to think. Today is my dad's birthday (August 17th) he would have been 62 today. He passed away suddenly in January of 2006. We had a bit of a rocky relationship. My parents separated when I was 5 and after that I didn't see him as much as I would have liked. Many times when he was supposed to take me for the weekend he would never show up.  So I'd be a crushed little girl sitting on my suitcase, looking out the window with tears in my eyes. Finally at bedtime my mom would convince me he wasn't coming and I would go to bed crying.  The worst part is he would call every couple of hours and say he was on his way, so I would get my hopes up again and again only to be let down every time . When we did spend time together it was great:  trips to toys r us, McDonald's, late bedtimes, and I felt like I was the luckiest girl in the world.  It was not until I was older that I saw the flaws in my dad.
When I was young, I was always a daddy's girl. My mom never got enough credit for all that she did for me being a single mom. I guess that's one of the downfalls of divorce one parent usually gets most of the work and discipline, while the other gets to have the fun time, or at least that is how it worked in my situation. I would always tell her I was going to leave and live with my dad (not like it would ever happen since having me full time would be more then he could have handled) when I was angry with her, and now I know it was unfair.
     I will probably later get into the details of my relationship with my dad, but for now I just miss him and feel regret for not spending enough time with him. He moved to California while I was in high school and came back to live in Chicago right after I graduated college. Once he moved home he wanted me to hang out with him all the time and called me constantly. I felt it was too little too late, I would still go to dinner with him at least once a month, but I had my own life and was angry he wasn't there when I needed him.  Now I wish I didn't. I know there were a lot of things he did wrong as a father and he wasn't maybe the dad I wished he could be, but he was my dad and the only one I will ever have and I regret not spending more time with him when I had the chance. If I would have known he would be gone so soon I would have made more time for him, but that's the funny thing about life is that we never know when these things will happen, so we must try to always treat the ones we love the best we possibly can because what if there was no tomorrow?  Would you be happy with the last words you said to someone you love?  I know there are days when I wouldn't when I am short tempered with my kids, my husband, or my  mom. Thinking about him makes me realize though that I do need to cherish the time I have with my family and not stress about small things because our time here is short and goes by too fast. 


  1. This is such an emotional post. I'm sorry for your loss. I don't have a very good relationship with my father though I love him very much and this makes me wish I were closer to him.

  2. I'm sorry for your loss. I too, lost my dad. :( I hope you feel better soon.

  3. Wow Jessica, we have a lot of similarities. My parents divorced too and I lost my father suddenly to a heart attack when he was 59 (6 years ago). I too had some frustrations/anger over him not being there and a similar relationship to what you described, and the last time I saw him not being as memorable as I would want it to be...if I had only known. I am so grateful you shared, my heart is with you as the pain is tough, but I honestly believe we honor them by doing exactly what you said, treasuring the time, stopping ourselves when we realize we aren't and just being in the moment as much as possible. Sending you hugs!

  4. i am so sorry. i can imagine how it was for you to write such an honest and open post, thank you for sharing.

    stopping by from the thursday blog hop..feel better and again, thanks for being so honest and strong to share this.

  5. I know what you mean... I lost my dad 3 years ago and our relationship was strained at best... I am glad I was with him on his final days but I wish I would have been a better daughter even if he wasn't a good dad...
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  6. Newest follower.
    Wow what a well written post. So honest and open. I hope writing it out on your blog helps you.
    Thanks for letting me read.
    Have a good day. :O)